A letter to Chairman, IPL

Dear Sir,

Thank you for a lovely season of IPL. Now that Kolkata Knightriders have won, I can safely comment that this match didn't have any agenda. I have made some observations during IPL 2012. The T20 game could gain a lot from my suggestions below :

• The concept of cheerleaders in cricket is preposterous. Cheerleading is a team event with precision movements performed by beautiful looking women. I feel insulted when I see cheap Russian hookers with liberal application of foundation doing retarded moves.  Do not get close up shots of their smiling faces. The yellow stained teeth give me a feeling that certain individual has pulled strings to see Chennai SuperKings' colours. Their outlandish outfits make my German Shepard laugh. The dance forms of Mohiniattam and Laavni  have been belittled to  greet Chris Gayle's monstrous hits !! Why didn't I see Zulu tribe dancers during IPL 2009 cheering for Dhoni's helicopter shot ? Let's not have the Cheerleaders. Let it remain in USA and it's universities. That's the only history they have. Right ?
• During the next auction, please ensure that you incorporate a clause of "No Dicks in Auctions". This would help you weed out the likes of Munaf Patel, Sreesanth and Piyush Chawla. 
• All the players in the fielding side could be given a microphone and the TV viewers could get to listen to their conversations. The audience would get to watch a new line of reality TV and would certainly boost the TRP ratings. We could learn to abuse in chaste Bengali, Tamil and Punjabi.
• Recruit a new breed of erudite commentators and groom them under the likes of Harsha Bhogle and Robin Jackman. As for the other commentators, I don't care if it is Ravi Shastri's birthday and certainly don't want to see him cut a cake during the IPL final. Ummm.. unless Pommie Mbangwa smacks the cake on Shastri just like his first name Mu-pe-le-lo  and says " EAT THAT !! RAAAVI". That would be fun. And what in the name of God does Danny Morrison smoke ?! I get daily live feed on the latest moves from a Maori circus. Sunny Gavaskar and Rameez Raja should do an act together that would make Laurie and Fry proud.
• IPL is about cricket and not about team owners. My neighbour's raccoon is terrified of SRK's purple attire. We are tired of watching Preity's Not-so-pretty sagging breasts jump up and down. The focus should be on the match. I have a plan to make you some money from the Team Owners as well. The BSF men from Wagah border are stressed enough and have tough life. The team enclosure could have a one of these men come down on a vacation and attached to the owner's ensemble with a steel whip to keep them in order. Perhaps Nokia TV could be given the rights to such a channel.
• Pass a statutory clause by which all the sponsors make silent advertisements. The sudden spurt in decibel levels at the end of each over has cracked the glass on my late great grandfather's portrait. The Madras humidity has left an indelible mark on his face with green colour moulds. He now haunts me everyday by stuttering and playing with the voltage levels at my home. 

Kthnxbai.

Regards

Cricket Lover

Expectorate and Play

I've always been in awe of all the batsmen playing cricket who managed to spit through the steel visor and grill with an uncanny precision. The phelgm always comes out and avoids hitting the grill. It has a six sigma accuracy.

HA !! That's right. It was 100% accurate until TV cameras caught Yogesh Nagar in that floundering moment of colossal proportion in IPL 2012. SPALT !! The glob came from the abysmal depths of his throat and hit his grill. YUCK !! His countenance at that exact moment reeked dumbness. The eyes spoke, " How did I miss that?"

Next delivery, he was clean bowled!!